Embracing total confusion and discomfort. It’s another knowing: that being here in San Francisco, now sharing the home of the generous friend who let us stay here, and being blocked from going home due to a strange interplay of financial reasons, and the ebb and flow of emotions — it’s all for a purpose not clear to us yet. And it’s hard to accept because it’s so uncomfortable.
That’s why movies like Gladiator show the hero imagining just being home with his wife and son, but he’s loyal to his mission and he goes out into danger, too. We just ant to be in a place that’s comfortable where you don’t have to fight. Just relax and feel safe. That’s what Hawaii represents to us (though that is also an illusion). Hawaii feels safe and secure and beautiful and gentle and kind.
Maybe it’s even more than being loyal to a mission, and perhaps even more than the face that he possesses skills to help those in power who need it most. Perhaps it’s a divine calling and he know he is to do it. It’s not being happy about it, or sad about it (well actually I think Maximus was forced into it through corruption), but let’s says it is his divine calling.
That’s why I can’t do anything else but what I feel like I supposed to do. How the hell do I know what that is. Funny thing is it seems to be found where there is the most discomfort, in this case it’s here and now. This is what I get for not running away, and lately that’s what we want to do.
But now I also know we’re not here for money, either. I mean yes, money factors into it — for some it’s a huge part, for others not so much, but we’re here to engage in battle. And by that I mean embracing the struggle and doing things that feel meaningful. In my case, perhaps it’s just writing this thing every day and sending it out for people to read and relate to.
The big question is: what the hell are we doing here? Feels like we’re about to struggle for nothing.
Thanks goodness I’ve found a practice.